This was my facebook status today... "I'm not sure what it is about me, but I don't like injustice. I will stand up for the poor, the disenfranchised, and the oppressed. I will give voice to those that have none and will use my privilege to benefit others." I thought it might be interesting to explore the events and ideas that helped to shape these beliefs.
To begin with, as early as I can remember, I felt disconnected from the world around me. I could be sitting in a room full of people and feel entirely alone. There's a photo that my folks have that sums it all up beautifully. I think that I'm around 4 and it's someones birthday. There's a party going on in the next room and I'm sitting alone at the kitchen table. You see, I was a bed wetter and I think that part of the underlying psychology was a fear of being found out, the fear of ridicule and rejection. The fear, guilt, and shame remained long after the bed wetting ended and they drove me for many years.
Another formative period was during middle school. There, I made a couple of discoveries that would impact my life for years to come. One was the theater and the other was the "freedom" that I could find in a drink or a drug. These lead me further into that "I'm unique, you just don't understand" thinking that separated me from the world.
Then came high school... these years were an absolute terror for me. I continued to pursue the theater and very few days would pass without someone teasing me, calling me a drama fag. To make matters worse I was also one of a couple of men in the schools dance group. Finally, to seal the deal, I was a punk rocker in Utah's cowboy country. This is were I learned firsthand about oppression, bullying, and intimidation and the more I was attacked, the more I acted out. By my senior year I just wanted out. No one was ever going to treat me that way again. Who wouldn't people mess with? Who would they respect and leave alone? A U.S. Marine!
It was in the Marine Corps that I learned more about honor and integrity, about living my ideals. I learned about our Constitution and the words and ideas of our founders; that we should take a stand for the oppressed, be the strength for the weak, and lead by example. On top of all of this, I also tapped into an inner resource that quelled my fear.
The demons and villains were no longer outside of me. I could stand toe to toe with the world. What I couldn't face was on the inside and I continued to fight my battle with drugs and alcohol. With the help of the police, the courts, treatment, and a loving God I would find freedom and victory here as well.
Why bring up these potentially damaging or embarrassing times and experiences? Because they have no power over me today. I also want to qualify myself. I have known darkness and despair. I have known poverty. I have known the desperation of living in fear of the world around me and the feeling of not being able to trust the "power" that was supposed to protect me. I have found a way out and I am here to extend my hand to others who are trying to find their way.
Today I am able to say that my courage was born out of fear, my strength from weakness, and that victory came through surrender. There's a saying that goes "he who has been forgiven much, loves much" and my love cup's spilling over!
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