I am a racist. Not intentionally, but it resides in me nonetheless. How do I know? Let me share...
I grew up in Utah in the 1970's thinking very little about race. Why? Even though the best friends of my youth were Tony Archuleta and Rodney Espanoza, almost everyone else was white. How would I know to think any differently? I grew up thinking that my little slice of life was the whole pie.
Since that time, I've had the opportunity to travel extensively and to live for extended periods outside of the United States. I have experienced and been accepted into other cultures and thought that I was fairly open-minded. And yet...
I'm not talking Confederate Flag waving, call the Klan, blatant hate mongering. What I'm talking about is much, much more insidious. I've only experienced it a handful of times. One occasion occurred while I was a student in New York. My wife and daughter had gone to spend some time with her family in Idaho and I hung out with my friend Sydney Vargas. Sydney was from New York (rare) and was giving me an insider's tour. We were walking in Central Park in East Harlem. It was just beginning to get dark when we spotted a pack of kids tracking us like wolves stalking their prey. They probably weren't more than 13 0r 14 years old yet they terrified me. Here's were the racism comes in. Right or wrong, I wouldn't have felt as afraid if these kids had been white. I have also cowered inside when a group of loud and aggressive black men came into the train car that I sat in. Here's the deal though... I have NEVER had a bad experience with an African-American. EVER. Yet, if I were walking down the street and there were two young black men standing on the corner, I would more than likely cross the street. This fear is irrational, based on nothing and definitely not easy to admit.
So why do I? Because I wanted to get a conversation going about race relations in America? I think that many of us don't want to admit racial tension. I think that we want to pretend that, since we elected a black President, we must be passed all that race stuff. I know that I'm taking a chance with this, but here's my assumption... If I, as someone who sees himself as accepting, open-minded, and tolerant can find bigotry and fear driving my behavior then it must be alive in others as well.
My hope is that the recognition of these buried beliefs will lead us to a place where we can let them go. That we can get to a place where there is no fear, that we can see all men as equal, and that we can walk shoulder to shoulder with with ALL of our brothers and sisters without any reservations. Let love rule!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
What Shapes a Man?
This was my facebook status today... "I'm not sure what it is about me, but I don't like injustice. I will stand up for the poor, the disenfranchised, and the oppressed. I will give voice to those that have none and will use my privilege to benefit others." I thought it might be interesting to explore the events and ideas that helped to shape these beliefs.
To begin with, as early as I can remember, I felt disconnected from the world around me. I could be sitting in a room full of people and feel entirely alone. There's a photo that my folks have that sums it all up beautifully. I think that I'm around 4 and it's someones birthday. There's a party going on in the next room and I'm sitting alone at the kitchen table. You see, I was a bed wetter and I think that part of the underlying psychology was a fear of being found out, the fear of ridicule and rejection. The fear, guilt, and shame remained long after the bed wetting ended and they drove me for many years.
Another formative period was during middle school. There, I made a couple of discoveries that would impact my life for years to come. One was the theater and the other was the "freedom" that I could find in a drink or a drug. These lead me further into that "I'm unique, you just don't understand" thinking that separated me from the world.
Then came high school... these years were an absolute terror for me. I continued to pursue the theater and very few days would pass without someone teasing me, calling me a drama fag. To make matters worse I was also one of a couple of men in the schools dance group. Finally, to seal the deal, I was a punk rocker in Utah's cowboy country. This is were I learned firsthand about oppression, bullying, and intimidation and the more I was attacked, the more I acted out. By my senior year I just wanted out. No one was ever going to treat me that way again. Who wouldn't people mess with? Who would they respect and leave alone? A U.S. Marine!
It was in the Marine Corps that I learned more about honor and integrity, about living my ideals. I learned about our Constitution and the words and ideas of our founders; that we should take a stand for the oppressed, be the strength for the weak, and lead by example. On top of all of this, I also tapped into an inner resource that quelled my fear.
The demons and villains were no longer outside of me. I could stand toe to toe with the world. What I couldn't face was on the inside and I continued to fight my battle with drugs and alcohol. With the help of the police, the courts, treatment, and a loving God I would find freedom and victory here as well.
Why bring up these potentially damaging or embarrassing times and experiences? Because they have no power over me today. I also want to qualify myself. I have known darkness and despair. I have known poverty. I have known the desperation of living in fear of the world around me and the feeling of not being able to trust the "power" that was supposed to protect me. I have found a way out and I am here to extend my hand to others who are trying to find their way.
Today I am able to say that my courage was born out of fear, my strength from weakness, and that victory came through surrender. There's a saying that goes "he who has been forgiven much, loves much" and my love cup's spilling over!
To begin with, as early as I can remember, I felt disconnected from the world around me. I could be sitting in a room full of people and feel entirely alone. There's a photo that my folks have that sums it all up beautifully. I think that I'm around 4 and it's someones birthday. There's a party going on in the next room and I'm sitting alone at the kitchen table. You see, I was a bed wetter and I think that part of the underlying psychology was a fear of being found out, the fear of ridicule and rejection. The fear, guilt, and shame remained long after the bed wetting ended and they drove me for many years.
Another formative period was during middle school. There, I made a couple of discoveries that would impact my life for years to come. One was the theater and the other was the "freedom" that I could find in a drink or a drug. These lead me further into that "I'm unique, you just don't understand" thinking that separated me from the world.
Then came high school... these years were an absolute terror for me. I continued to pursue the theater and very few days would pass without someone teasing me, calling me a drama fag. To make matters worse I was also one of a couple of men in the schools dance group. Finally, to seal the deal, I was a punk rocker in Utah's cowboy country. This is were I learned firsthand about oppression, bullying, and intimidation and the more I was attacked, the more I acted out. By my senior year I just wanted out. No one was ever going to treat me that way again. Who wouldn't people mess with? Who would they respect and leave alone? A U.S. Marine!
It was in the Marine Corps that I learned more about honor and integrity, about living my ideals. I learned about our Constitution and the words and ideas of our founders; that we should take a stand for the oppressed, be the strength for the weak, and lead by example. On top of all of this, I also tapped into an inner resource that quelled my fear.
The demons and villains were no longer outside of me. I could stand toe to toe with the world. What I couldn't face was on the inside and I continued to fight my battle with drugs and alcohol. With the help of the police, the courts, treatment, and a loving God I would find freedom and victory here as well.
Why bring up these potentially damaging or embarrassing times and experiences? Because they have no power over me today. I also want to qualify myself. I have known darkness and despair. I have known poverty. I have known the desperation of living in fear of the world around me and the feeling of not being able to trust the "power" that was supposed to protect me. I have found a way out and I am here to extend my hand to others who are trying to find their way.
Today I am able to say that my courage was born out of fear, my strength from weakness, and that victory came through surrender. There's a saying that goes "he who has been forgiven much, loves much" and my love cup's spilling over!
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
In Response to my Senator
Recently, I sent an e-mail to my state senators encouraging them to support single-payer health care. I knew it was a lot to ask from Idaho's conservative representatives, but what the heck. What I got in in return was a form letter, full of misinformation, telling me why that wasn't possible. This was my response...
December 2, 2009
The Honorable Mike Crapo
Dear Senator Crapo:
Thank you for your correspondence regarding health care reform and for voicing your concerns with the single-payer system. I am grateful that reform is a priority for you and I certainly believe that you can set aside partisan politics and get something done for us. My hope is that you desire to do what is right for ALL of
I don’t know this to be true, but my concern is that these weekly visits have consisted of little more than preaching to the choir. I wonder how representative they really are. Would a Government option work better than single-payer? You see, I’m not afraid of the “government” because, like you, I work for them. Also, if our constitution is accurate it tells me that you and I and the farmer in
Once upon a time I believed in “free” markets. The truth is… I haven’t seen any happy endings there. Unregulated markets, driven by greed, end in collapse. Our current economic situation is proof of that. I know that there are no easy answers. I just want to be sure that we’re doing right by EVERYONE, not just a select few. I know that this is going to require personal sacrifice and it is one that I am willing to make.
In conclusion, please know that I am appreciative of your service and don’t envy the difficult decisions that you have to make. I just want to remind you that behind every one of those choices are real people whose lives are profoundly impacted by them.
Sincerely,
Gary P. Winterholler
They Don't Make It Easy
Over the past several years I have been growing to the conclusion that I would like to be of service to those around me and that I would make some personal sacrifices to do it. Recently, after discussing it with my bride, it was decided that I would contact the Democratic Party in Idaho and throw my hat in the ring. I spoke with folks at both the state and county levels and got to the same place with both... nowhere.
I spoke with my mother-in-law, who has been a huge party supporter in our state for many years, about the outcome and I was taken aback by her reply. "If you're going to do anything, it won't be with the parties backing or support. They act surprised every time there's an election, like they've never done this before." Well...
I guess that, unless something changes, I will have to make my bid independent of the party. OR, maybe it's time to bring the Democratic Socialists to Idaho. Hm...
I spoke with my mother-in-law, who has been a huge party supporter in our state for many years, about the outcome and I was taken aback by her reply. "If you're going to do anything, it won't be with the parties backing or support. They act surprised every time there's an election, like they've never done this before." Well...
I guess that, unless something changes, I will have to make my bid independent of the party. OR, maybe it's time to bring the Democratic Socialists to Idaho. Hm...
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